Since 2024 began, my environment has been so toxic; to say the least, as I found myself just wanting to take the easy way out and just "Check Out". I was tired mentally, physically, and certainly emotionally - feeling as though I'm in quick sand, and slowly fading away. I've had my not so good moments- having both suicidal and homicidal ideations of wanting to leave this toxic earth, and at the same time - wanting to rid this earth from the toxic individuals that live amongst me.
As a Christian, I know both ideations are not good to have; but, that's how I'm feeling. I never understood why whenever there's an investigation after the death of someone, the investigating officer would always ask family or frends, "Do you believe so and so would harm anyone"? That, to me is the most lame question to ask anyone, b/c I believe WE ALL have the capability of taking someon's life; whether we've been known to be an introvert, meek, and quiet person or not. We all are humans, and like other species, if someone is backed into the corner often or long enough, that individual will eventually snap; regardless of who that individual is, or what socioeconomic status the individual belongs too.
It bothers me when I hear people in the mental health say, "it's all about self- control; being able to control your action, or behaviors". No, when someone have taunted you for so long, has patronized you for so long, who have ostricized you for so long, have disrespected you for so long, have dismissed you for so long, and you've seeked help from the police, the judicial system, and even spoken with you therapist and no-one gives a rats [blank] then what do you do? That's the million dollar question? What do you (I) do?
Then there's the individuals who are supposed to be so knowledgeable in their expertise, but then when you reach out to them for their assistance- you're expecting to receive nothing but the best of services- yet you recieve services -that of a novice - a team of incompetent individuals who consistently makes mistakes after mistakes; yet, noone -woman up nor man up of their discrepancies- instead everyone hide behind and point fingers at one another - without taking any accountability or responsibility. Now, I'm very disappointed in wasting the amount of money I wasted. Expectations! Yes, my expectations are high- as it always have been high- therefore, I expect only but the best- not realizing that we're now living in a society where many only give mediocre work yet expect to be compensated for exceptional work.
I then ask the question of myself- just b/c many in society have become lazy with nonchalant attitudes, does that mean I have to lower my standards in order to meet them where they are? My answer to that is-
HOCKEY STICKS NO!
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